Phantom Shopping List

Phantom Shopping List
            Many of my December thoughts are about what gifts to get for friends and family. I was standing in the shower this week, head filled with holiday gift thoughts, when I suddenly burst out crying. The realization that I no longer needed to buy some of those gifts was like a stab in the heart.
            This has been a tough year of losing beloved friends, one of whom was our next-door neighbor for over thirty years.
            Our frequent chats were often about how cold our houses felt. Every year, I bought a warm fleece jacket or down vest to warm her elderly frame, often with one for myself to match. We’d smile at each other when I stopped to say hi and we saw we were wearing the same jacket. 
            My shower cry hit when I thought how this year, she and I would not be chatting at her front door, she giving us a holiday food basket, and me giving her something warm and colorful to wear. The reality that she is gone almost hit more deeply than when we first lost her. Similar thoughts rose about other lost loved ones.
            I let myself have a good cry over the shopping list I no longer have a reason to shop for, then reminded myself how lucky I am to have connected with people in a meaningful way that makes losing them so painful. 
            Grief is a wily companion that hides in the shadows and then springs up when you least expect it. Fortunately, time has a way of rounding the sharp edges of grief.
            Do holidays stir memories of lost loved ones for you? May the sadness eventually evolve into gratitude for memories that keep the essence of your loved ones alive. Keep putting one foot forward!
            This week’s Hike Notes from the archives, Julian Trail – Marin Headlands,  leads readers along a path edged by geological formations on one side, views of rolling shadowy hills facing Rodeo Valley on the other, and on lucky days, a glimpse of the Farallon Islands on the horizon.
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This week’s hike from the archives:
Hike Notes 51: Julian Trail – Marin Headlands